Jesus Christ - Master Assassin

One day as the Lord was sorting through the petitions that had piled up on his desk after a three day weekend, he realized with a start that he had forgotten to check in with the Mormon prophet for a while, and that he'd better go visit.

So the Lord popped down to corporate headquarters at 50 E. North Temple Street, Salt Lake City Utah, to check on things. When he got there, he found that Harold B Lee had just been installed as president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a relatively young vigorous apostle, healthy and fit, capable of leading the corporation of the church for many years to come. The Lord thought, "A fine choice indeed." Then went back to his office well satisfied.

But then, there began to be some irregularity in the affairs of the church. There was nothing really damaging, just an odd unexplained hiccup every now and then, as it were, a "blip on history". The Lord thought, "I'd better go check on things."

The Lord couldn't find anything to account for the strange behavior in the church, so he called in a team of management consultants, who after intensive investigation said, "We can't seem to find out what the source of the problem is, but in our past experience, with other corporations, we have found that if you get a new leader, that it will often invigorate the whole business." So the Lord said, "Good idea." and arranged to have President Lee taken out.

So the remaining apostles got together, and appointed Spencer W Kimball to head up the corporation of the first presidency. The church prospered for a while, but the underlying problems were still there, and soon the Lord decided that he had to do something about the situation. He thought, "Last time I just took out the prophet, and that worked sort of, but not completely. I'll take out the whole first presidency, surely that will fix the problem. And while I'm at it I had better knock off LeGrand Richards, and I'll put a disease into Bruce R. McConkie. I sure would hate for either one of them to become prophet."

But then Christ thought, "But if I kill Spencer Kimball, then Ezra Taft Benson will become prophet, and I can't have a right-winger like him leading the church. I can't take out Benson though because I promised him a long life in his patriarchal blessing."

Then Christ hit upon the perfect solution, "I'll take the first presidency out of commission, by laying them on their deathbeds, but not letting them die, keeping them barely alive so that Benson can't become prophet." So the whole first presidency became deathly ill, just barely alive enough to prevent Benson from becoming president of the corporation of the church. The apostles got together and appointed a caretaker to replace the bed-ridden leaders, and the church was safe from Benson.

But there is only so much life in a person on their death bed, and after many years, brother Kimball croaked before the Lord was quite ready for him to do so, and Benson became prophet anyway. So the Lord said, "I promised Ezra a long life, so I have to give it to him, but I didn't promise him health, so I'll put him on his deathbed and he can live as long on it as he wants, but in the meantime, he won't be messing up the corporate offices." So Benson was laid low to the dust, but not in it, and the apostles told the caretaker to continue watching over the corporate welfare.

Finally when President Benson was tired of this earth life, he gave up the ghost, and Christ sighed, for now brother Howard W Hunter was appointed to be president of the corporation. Christ never had liked brother Hunter, so he had him killed quickly before he could cause much damage.

About this time, Martha, Christ's favorite wife noticed that he was melancholy, and asked why. Christ was hesitant to tell her, but the burden of having killed so many descent men just to avoid having certain people become the prophet ate at his conscience, so finally he spilled his soul to her. She in her womanly wisdom, told him he should wash his hands of the whole situation, and leave the corporate leaders alone. So he washed his hands of the matter and walked away from the church. That is how the caretaker became the president.

Permission granted to copy and distribute this page for non-commercial purposes. Please retain this notice. These writings are not shared as "Revelations to any Church", because we believe that all may receive revelation direct from the Fathers regarding their own circumstances in life. Joseph Absalom

Jesus Christ -- Master Assassin